I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
We just shotgunned beers for America
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
