Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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