I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Randomize
