i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
