Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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