How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
