remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Randomize
