The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
