I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
i black out too much to be "responsible"
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
