Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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