Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
