Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
