Me= Watching Ferngully. My neighbor= Having really loud sex including multiple orgasms
Oh God
I know, but the worst part is I'm not really sure which I'd rather be doing. Feel free to re-evaluate our friendship
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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