Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
