textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
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