I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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