It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Walking in on a gay threesome, with a girl in the corner watching and taking vid is a reason to not only knock, but to never go to Savannah.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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