so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
