Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
