I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
BRING THE BAGELS
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Randomize
