So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
