Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I have surprise drugs for everyone
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
