As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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