And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Randomize
