So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
