why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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