final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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