There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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