How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
There are two guys here arguing over Pearl jam and Nirvana. 1991 wants its argument back.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
