Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
