i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
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