Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
