Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
