New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
