I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
