I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
