I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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