Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
