I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Randomize
