3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
Randomize