At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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