other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
