i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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