Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
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