the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Randomize
