I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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