Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
Randomize
