end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
