I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
