she woke up with a sticky ear
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
He felt like a one man threesome
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
