i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize