ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
