I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just gift wrapped bread.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
