There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
