I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
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