I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
Randomize
