i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Randomize
