I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
